My life is proof that mistakes get made. We all stand for something. It’s all a matter of who is strongest. Do you crumble under pressure? I don’t. We play games with each other like everything is going to end up okay. We are destruction. The epitome of what is darkness. We’re all hiding something. The secrets and lies we form our friendships on. Nothing is as important as you make it seem. Your drama is old, your shit is weak. I’ll let you all fall behind. I’ll give you a taste of the dust you smothered me with. I CAN and WILL overcome. I am strong. With that, I bid you a good day.
II so badly want to get out of my teenage wasteland, out of my fucked up high school. I so badly want to start over with people who honestly care about me and move on from the heartbreak this town thrust upon me.
But I’m not going anywhere until my grades go up.
I’m an all honors student. I did everything right before I got depressed, I was so smart and confident. Now I can barely get out of bed without the the depressing grades I’d never dreamed of having before.
Is it my fault? I try so hard, but I just can’t concentrate. Please somebody help me, I’m fucking drowning.
I had a dream about the guy who molested me. Let’s call him *Ryan.
He was in his car, which he always drives 100 mph down my street. He spun and hit my house, and I was so angry. I started screaming at him to come back, and he looked me straight in the eyes. I screamed, “STOP!” He looked at me sort of funny, then laughed at my daring act.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He smirked, then him and his girlfriend sped off.
I asked my counselor what my dream meant. Basically, the car symbolized power. It symbolized the power that *Ryan had over me, his untouchable body that protected him from harm. Him hitting my wall and upsetting me symbolized how little control I had over the situation.
But me yelling at him to stop, that part meant I had finally found my voice, and it didn’t matter that *Ryan laughed at my words. Him laughing meant it didn’t matter what I said, because finally, I had been able to stick up for myself.
Dreams are so beautiful. It’s how your mind makes sense of your troubles.
I was young when I first felt, just an innocent little girl. And from that night on, my life changed forever. Everything fell apart.
I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought girls like who I’d become, with the black makeup and dark hair, they were just pathetic excuses for human beings. They were freaks, and they needed to snap out of it already. I mean, it couldn’t be that bad, right? But depression wasn’t something I could snap out of. It wasn’t something I could run away from or throw away. I could’t wake up from my own personal nightmare. But eventually I did get better. I never fully recovered, I’ve always been in more the inbetween stage. It’s been two steps forward and two steps back throughout my attempt at recovery. I have my highs, but I still have my lows. But they’re less noticable, maybe because I know how to hide my demons, my past, my emotions. I’m good at pretending nothing’s wrong, better yet nothing was ever wrong.
The stigma that follows someone with a mental disorder like depression always kept me wary to spill my secrets. That and two early I had learned you can’t trust anyone but yourself. But I was so good at letting myself down, I was so good at failing and disappointing. There was nothing to look to, no one to lean on, I was so bent on fixing myself that nothing was ever fixed.
But despite my trust issues, I tried hard to obtain relationships. But they never lasted. Who wants to be with a quiet, closed, and dramatic teenager? I relied on boys too much, that much is true. I thought they could fix me, and I so desperately wanted to be adored. However, with teenage boys, it’s about the conquer, not the commitment. In the end, they all became annoyed with how little I could give.
I guarentee you I am not like other girls. I’ve learned so much from my heartache, my bruises, the brokenness that almost killed me. I don’t see things like the average person.
I am not beautiful; I just see the beauty in what others cannot.